Inconvenient Wife Read online

  “Hiiiiiiiiii!” The high-pitched greeting followed the fur ball in. A young woman dressed in a bright orange shorts romper and strappy white high heels teetered in. Her dark hair cascaded to her waist, and she’d taken make-up application to an art form. She had perfectly bronzed skin, smoky eyes, and pale glossed lips. “Hi, you must be Gwen, yeah?” Her eyes were wide and excited. Her voice sounded like it came from a kewpie doll .

  I glanced at Beau, who seemed at a loss. “Um, she offered to drive me here to pick up Eileen since it was on her way. I left my truck here .”

  I turned to the girl, since Beau’s explanation didn’t explain who she was. I was vaguely aware from the sounds coming from the back of the boat shop, Eileen was not happy .

  I held out my hand. “Yes, I’m Gwen. Hi .”

  She giggled. “I’m Amanda. I’m interviewing. A wife-er-view!” She giggled again .

  Suddenly, there was an unholy sound of howling, growling, snapping, and snarling .

  Eileen came bolting as best she could on three legs from behind the boat, making a sound like I’d never heard .

  But not just Eileen .

  My mouth dropped open .

  I think we all stood in shock for a few seconds processing the view of a shuddering brown pom pom attached to Eileen’s rear like a small parasite. The small brown Chihuahua was affixed to Eileen and humping her like crazy .

  I’d never seen anything like it .

  “Oh my God,” Beau said, leaping forward at the same time Amanda shrieked .

  “Buster! No! Bad boy! Bad doggy !”

  Beau and Amanda waded into the assault .

  Buster, clearly in mid-thrust was not interested in being interrupted and tried to bite Amanda .

  “Get him off,” Beau yelled as Eileen tried to crawl into Beau’s arms .

  “I can’t!” Amanda cried .

  Apparently Buster finally finished because Amanda managed eventually to peel him off a whimpering Eileen. The whole thing took less than a minute .

  I watched with my hands covering my mouth and caught sight of a lipstick the size of which had no business being attached to such a tiny dog .

  What the hell just happened? “I think I just witnessed a sexual assault,” I managed out loud .

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” said Amanda, clutching her dog, the ensuing silence almost deafening after the preceding cacophony .

  Beau held a quivering and still whimpering Eileen, his expression shell-shocked .

  I cleared my throat, seeing the need to take charge .

  “Amanda.” I stepped forward. “Thanks for your interest, but I don’t think this is going to work out. Good luck with all your future endeavors .”

  She glanced at Beau, then back at me. “Um, okay .”

  Beau snapped to attention. “Yes, sorry. Thanks for your interest .”

  “Can I call you a cab?” I offered .

  She shook her head. “I have my car. I’m so sorry. So sorry. He’s not normally — ”

  “Bye, Amanda,” I said .

  “Bye.” She bit her glossy lip. “Bye Beau .”

  I watched her teeter out of the boat house with her tiny monster crushed to her chest .

  “Jesus Christ, Eileen, you poor girl. I’m so sorry.” Beau held her tight. “I’m so sorry .”

  I headed to my father’s office and opened the bottom drawer of his metal desk. I pulled out the bottle of brandy he kept there, along with two shot glasses. I’d give one of them to Eileen if I thought it would help .

  I poured two generous shots and took them back to the boat shop floor .

  “Here,” I said .

  Beau balanced Eileen with one arm, who was licking his neck like a lollipop. He took a glass, practically throwing the liquid down his throat .

  “So,” I deadpanned. “How’s the wife hunt going ?”

  We stared at each other a few seconds and then burst out laughing. Luckily Eileen had calmed down with Beau’s large hand caressing her against his chest .

  Inwardly, my stomach clenched to see him being so tender to the little needy animal. He was going to make a good father one day. That thought killed my mirth, but I tried to hide it .

  “Does she need the morning after pill or something?” I joked .

  “She’s fixed. At least, I think she is. The shelter told me she was .”

  “How did you find Amanda and her crazy little rapist dog ?”

  “She was on the vetted email list y’all sent me .”

  I held up my hands. “I have nothing to do with it. Neither do I want to. You asked them to forward you the emails .”

  Whatever good mood Beau was in evaporated too. “Well, I don’t have much choice, do I ?”

  “Stop it .”

  “Well, I don’t. I’m not blaming you. I realize now I was thoughtless. And maybe approached it wrong .”

  “Approached it wrong ?”

  “You know what I mean .”

  “I don’t actually. What’s the right way to ask someone to give up dreams of being a mother? I mean I know I’m getting up there, but I’m not quite ready to close the door on the idea yet, okay? I don’t even know if I can have kids, but I’d like the opportunity to try .”

  “There’s no right way, I know that. I just meant …” He looked nervous. His skin slowly flushed and he cleared his throat. “Trystan said …” He cleared his throat again and shook his head as if answering something in his head .

  I raised my eyebrows, waiting .

  “Is there a … could … do you …”

  “Beau,” I grumbled impatiently. “Just go. I’m tired and Eileen needs you to take her home .”

  18

  Gwen

  B efore I knew it, it was Friday lunchtime and I had no idea how I got through the week. It was a blur. I ate, barely , I slept, I went to work with Sylvie, and I helped my dad on his boat. If anyone mentioned Beau, I shut them down fast. And if they wouldn’t shut up, I left the room .

  Penny had come by every evening she wasn’t working to check on me, and I found having a good female friend was pretty awesome. I didn’t know what took me so long to get close to her. We’d lived opposite each other for years, and I guess I had simply been all about Beau. We laughed about her bad dates, and she shared with me that there was a radiologist in the hospital she had been pining after ever since she first started. For the first time, I began to think that actually cutting Beau out of my life might not be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I’d miss him, of course, but maybe I’d been missing out on a whole lot more .

  Sylvie called me over to read through the latest batch of wife applications that had come in to the temporary email address. They ran on a sliding scale from crazy to not quite as crazy .

  There were claims of being secret princesses of undisclosed European nations, one lady said she’d marry a gentile just to avoid hearing about her single status from her crazy Jewish mother one more time, and a few normal sounding people who thought it might be nice just to have a companion even if it was strictly business .

  Of course, there were a few outliers—major nut jobs. One woman detailed explicitly that her fetishes precluded meeting anyone “the normal way” and that she would do and say whatever was required if she could just have half an hour a day with the man-in-need-of-a-wife’s feet to do with as she pleased. He didn’t even have to participate, he could read the paper, nap or whatever. The mind boggled. I almost felt like forwarding that to Beau so we could have a laugh over it .

  Then I remembered we weren’t really speaking .

  Finally, there was another normal sounding one from a local physician’s assistant whose long hours had made meeting someone impossible, and she would love to be able to take a husband home for the holidays even if it wasn’t real .

  I frowned. “A , I’ve read too many romance novels to believe that one isn’t looking for love and B , she sounds like Penny .”

  Penny chose that moment to breeze into the showro
om. “Hello chickadees. Half day, right?” she asked me. “Don’t forget today is my day off, and I am not wasting it. Pool party tomorrow .”

  “Penny, you didn’t apply for the job of Beau’s wife, did you?” Sylvie asked, looking at her disapprovingly .

  Her chin bobbed back. “Er, no .”

  Sylvie showed her the email while I packed up my stuff for the day. “Any idea who it is?” I asked .

  “No. But certainly intriguing. Forward that one to Beau .”

  I swallowed and stayed looking busy. The girls were following Beau’s instructions and forwarding any applicants that seemed vaguely normal. Granted these women were applying to marry someone they’d never met for no discernible reward, so where the line of “normal” began was anyone’s guess .

  Beau hadn’t responded to any of the emails, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t reading them. Nor did it mean he wasn’t contacting them directly like he had the girl who came by the boat shop with the horny Chihuahua. Time was ticking down for him after all .

  “Why don’t you make sure Beau is coming to the pool party tomorrow,” Penny asked me. “You two have to bury the hatchet sometime. I can’t believe he’s still so mad .”

  I hadn’t breathed a word about the kiss to anyone, so they all thought Beau was still upset about us placing the ad. They had no idea both of us were avoiding the other or why. If I told them, it would be adding fuel to their ridiculous conspiracy that Beau had secret feelings for me .

  I knew Beau better than that .

  Beau did sex easily. In his mind, kissing me had been an ill-thought out, harebrained whim. Maybe it was brought on by panic we were fighting. Our normal, happy-go-lucky chemistry had been jarred sideways ever since he’d proposed. It was no wonder we were both acting weird .

  For me though, that kiss had wrecked me thoroughly. I’d been mad at him one minute for blowing everything out of proportion, and the next I was skewered in place by a lightning bolt. I’d had fantasies of what it might be like to kiss Beau, but nothing had prepared me for the utter, and all-consuming, hot violence of it .

  Just thinking of his mouth on mine now sent a sharp echo of the sensation rippling through me again. Like I’d barely pulled my hand off a hot plate before getting third degree burns .

  I closed my eyes and counted to three, waiting for the memory to pass, then pulled my cell phone out of my purse and opened a text message to him. We couldn’t go on like this. For the first time in our friendship, I had no idea what to say. But I had to break the tension somehow. Did I acknowledge our stand off or pretend nothing was amiss ?

  As I thought it through, Sylvie and Penny kept reading through the emails and giggling. My cell phone suddenly buzzed with an incoming text .

  Derek: Landed last night late. Slept like the dead. Can’t wait to see you, babe. What’s the plan for tomorrow ?

  Derek. Oh shit. I hadn’t even thought of him the last few days. I didn’t want to cancel on him, but I suddenly felt so conflicted. On the one hand, I really needed the distraction of another man, on the other … was it fair to see Derek with the brand of another man’s mouth still burning my lips ?

  “Oh, here’s one,” said Penny suddenly. “Can you hear me, Daisy?” she asked, and I realized Daisy was on speaker phone at Sylvie’s desk .

  “To whom it may concern,” Penny read aloud. “I don’t even read the paper anymore, let alone the classifieds, and certainly would never respond to an ad … but I find myself in a predicament. Perhaps this unique proposition is, indeed, fate. Let me preface by letting you know I’m in the military. I’m currently stationed in Stuttgart, Germany, though will be shipping to the Middle East in a few weeks .”

  “Well, that’s never going to work with Beau’s time frame,” I said. “She’s not even here.” In my head, I said a silent blessing for her safety .

  “Wait,” said Penny. “Just listen. I have a special needs brother,” she read on, “who is currently being cared for by another relative near Charleston. For reasons I don’t want to bore you with I will soon be awarded custody of my brother. I’ve been trying to get on the military families housing list for some time, but regardless of my needs, those service members who are married usually, and understandably, get to the top of the line. Given that I am not in a relationship, and no where near marriage, I have until now been resigned to patience as far as the housing situation goes. The changes in my brother’s circumstances have obviously changed everything for me . I’m taking a huge risk even putting this in writing, and believe me when I tell you it pains me to be trying to skirt the rules or the law or worse and ask someone else to join me in doing just that. But this is where I am. I have given this a lot of thought, too much, and know all the next steps we’d need to take. It’s a long shot, I know, but if my situation seems like something that would suit your situation, please let me know and we can continue talking. Yours sincerely, Lt. Marjorie Smith .”

  There was silence as Penny got to the end .

  Eventually, Sylvie sat up straight. “Mon Dieu ,” she said and raised her hands as if she was beat .

  Daisy cleared her throat on the other end of the speakerphone. “Shit,” she said .

  “Why shit?” said Penny. “This sounds perfect .”

  Daisy cleared her throat again, and Penny looked at me. “Oh right. We were hoping we wouldn’t find anyone. Sorry .”

  “Oh, please.” I huffed as I realized what they meant. “Still with that, ladies ?”

  “Mais, oui, ” argued Sylvie. “ We are all romantics, no ?”

  “Yeah, well. Sanity prevails and the jokes on you. Because this does actually sound perfect.” Maybe the fact this was doing a wonderful act of service for a woman and her special needs brother would soften the blow of Beau marrying someone else and being forever off my table of possibilities. It didn’t feel like it right now, but I was sure the feeling would come .

  “ Is this even legit, though?” asked Daisy. “I need to do some digging and see if this would work .”

  “You could ask Derek,” Penny suggested, looking at me. “He’d know if people get married to get on the housing list .”

  “I can ask him. Don’t share it with Beau yet .”

  Penny lifted her hands off the keyboard. “Sure thing .”

  “Fine,” echoed Daisy. “Let me know if you want me to look into it. Right now, I gotta go. Bye ladies .”

  “Bye,” we chorused .

  “Come on,” Penny said to me. “I’ve got us a series of beauty appointments to get vagazzled . We’re going to be late .”

  “Oh hell no. You’re joking, I hope .”

  She slung her arm through mine and dragged me toward the door as Sylvie waved us off .

  19

  Gwen

  P enny was joking about getting our hoo-has adorned with sequins and glitter, thank God, not that I would have gone along with that anyway. But we still went to get “bikini-ready.” We got our hair done, our bodies waxed and exfoliated, and a mani-pedi, and we shopped .

  The following morning by ten, we were sitting with mimosas in our hands and our feet in the swimming pool. The pool deck was slowly filling with residents, and the DJ for the party was still setting up .

  The blue sky was clear and it promised to be scorching .

  “Okay, we need a game plan. You need a game plan, and I’m going to help you. Time is running out .”

  “What are you talking about ?”

  “We are going to refer to Lieutenant Marjorie Smith as our Plan B. We can still keep working on Plan B, but Plan A needs to be activated, like, now .”

  I sipped my champagne and orange juice, which of course, due to Sylvie’s coaching I recognized was actually made with sparkling wine and not champagne, but I wasn’t one to burst a bubble. No pun intended. “Elaborate .”

  “Derek knows you aren’t super into him long term, right ?”

  “I don’t know, actually.” Derek was arriving in about an hour. “We’ve always been super casua
l.” I got the impression he had more than one option when he was back for R & R. Maybe that should have bothered me, but it never had .

  “Hmm. Okay, well we don’t want to string him along anyway, so maybe you should tell him? Why have you been seeing him so long anyway ?”

  “Convenience.” I shrugged. She raised her eyebrow as if she didn’t believe me .

  “Believe me, it’s been the same for him .”

  “That all ?”

  “And also acrobatic sex,” I admitted with a wink as I took another sip of mimosa .

  “Do tell .”

  “The guy is so damn strong, he can just, like, maneuver me around, you know? It’s quite impressive. I feel so … feminine .”

  “Oh my God, that’s definitely worth hanging on to.” Penny bit her lip, her eyes gleaming. “That is so hot .”

  I shrugged. “Meh. Do we really need to try all the positions though? I mean I’m not unadventurous, but if something works …”

  “Ha! I know what you mean. I dated a guy once and sometimes I felt like we were a demonstration team for the Kama Sutra .”

  I giggled. This was fun, this sharing . I’d never have told Beau any of this. Obviously .

  “But meh?” Penny asked incredulously even though she was laughing. “I don’t think Derek could be meh .”

  “Seriously, beyond the acrobatics, and believe me it became a bit old—there’s only so many times you want to be moved around before it starts messing with your mojo if you know what I mean—we didn’t really have a whole bunch in common. I love books, he doesn’t. I keep up with politics, he says if he did it might mess with his military convictions. I love movies, he plays video games. He hates seventies music .”

  “Nooo. You love seventies music !”

  “I know .”

  “ Hmm,” said Penny. “But he’s military, so he must be so buff and hot .”

  I thought of Beau and then pictured him next to Derek. It was Beau’s lean, disheveled beauty next to Derek’s hulking, testosterone-built body that won every time. “If you like that sort of thing .”