Inconvenient Wife Read online

  Also, I was going to have to go out there and get a new best friend .

  A knock sounded at the door. I frowned. It was late. If Beau was back to apologize, I wasn’t sure I was ready. I pinched my cheeks and hoped my post-crying face didn’t look like I’d been stung by a swarm of yellow jackets and swung open the door .

  “Penny!” I exclaimed .

  She held up a pint of ice cream. “Caramel,” she said. “I bumped into Beau downstairs. Seemed like something happened between you too? You look like shit .”

  “I—thanks. I honestly don’t even know what to say about it .”

  “You don’t have to tell me anything, but I was on the way back from a really bad date. Thought we could commiserate? I need some girl time .”

  I managed a smile. Truly, I could probably do with some too. I opened the door wider and retreated to the couch .

  “Spoons in drawer to the left of the cooktop .”

  She headed to the kitchen and then joined me on the couch. I muted Mrs. Potts singing about whether there could really be something there that wasn’t there before between the Beast and Belle .

  “So Beau looked upset, huh?” I couldn’t help asking. “How was he acting ?”

  “Um … smacking the door of the lobby open into the parking lot and nearly plowing me over as he stalked out without looking to see where he was going?” She held out a spoon and when I shook my head she laid it on the coffee table and dug in with her own. “That poor dog of his looked ready to make a run for it .”

  “Oh.” I picked up a throw pillow and started picking at the corner stitching. “We got in a fight .”

  Penny paused with the spoon midway to her mouth. “You and Beau? In a fight? What on earth about ?”

  I shrugged. “It happens.” It never happened. Not like that. But I went with my little lie for now. “So how bad was your date? Make it bad, make it really awful so I feel better .”

  “On a scale of one to I actually excused myself to go to the bathroom and didn’t return to the table ?”

  “Noooo!” I covered my mouth. “You didn’t .”

  “I did.” Penny sighed and dug the spoon back in the ice cream. “I’m bummed too, I’ve been dying to eat there.” She gave me the name of a new restaurant that had been all over my social media recently .

  I took the carton from her and scooped up some for myself. “I’m reluctantly impressed you didn’t feel like you had to sit there and be polite .”

  “Girl, do you even know me ?”

  “So what happened ?”

  “He starts talking to me about umbrellas, right? So he’s all like, Jesus is the big umbrella, he takes care of all of us. We’re all under his protection. Fine, right? I’m like okay, he loves Jesus enough to mention him on a first date. A little weird but I can roll with that .”

  I sucked in another spoon of ice cream and shrugged. “Sure. I got you. He’s spiritual .”

  “Yeah. Then he’s all under the Jesus umbrella comes the husband umbrella, and it’s the husband’s job to protect the family, blah blah, be the leader of the family, to provide, blah blah .”

  “Sure. People like a protective father figure .”

  “And of course to love his wife like Jesus loves the church .”

  “I’m not sure ice cream is going to cut it for me. Should we pour some rum in the container? And tell me that last part again ?”

  “He thinks a husband should love his wife like Jesus loves the church,” she said patiently .

  “Wait. Like asexually?” I was confused .

  “I guess. I was starting to get super uncomfortable at this point because I’m all like, what does it mean ?”

  “And, like, was there even a church when Jesus was alive?” I mused out loud. “Didn’t that come later ?”

  “And it gets worse .”

  “It gets worse?” I shoveled another massive mouthful of ice cream in without thinking, like I was watching an episode of Riverdale , my eyes pinned on Penny as she flipped her dark corkscrew curls out of the way dramatically .

  “Beneath the husband umbrella there’s another umbrella,” she said. “It’s smaller because it has to go under the husband’s umbrella .”

  I gasped. “How small ?”

  “Small.” She shuddered .

  I recoiled and set down the ice cream. “And pray tell… what’s this tiny umbrella’s job ?”

  “To … wait for it … sub—” she coughed. “Sub—” Her cough turned into a choke .

  I handed her my chamomile tea .

  She took a sip. “Thank you .”

  I placed it back on the table and picked up the ice cream .

  She took a deep breath. “To submit to her husband’s authority,” she managed finally, and we stared at each other for several long seconds .

  Then I couldn’t help it. A hysterical snort climbed up past my closed mouth. And another, and then I was giggling madly .

  “You should have all the ice cream.” I thrust the carton at her .

  She was laughing so much, tears began rolling down her cheeks .

  And when we could finally breathe again, let alone talk, she said, “Jesus probably damn well hates these fake money-driven mega churches formed in his name. So I guess that man is gonna hate his wife. And for the record, the bathrooms were by the back entrance to the restaurant. In case you ever need to escape .”

  “Good to know. It sucks when you have to climb out a window,” I deadpanned .

  “Right? I ruined my red silk skirt that way once. I loved that thing. So you want to tell me why Beau was stalking out of here like a raging bull ?”

  “Because I won’t marry him .”

  There was dead silence. “Um, what ?”

  “Yeah. So. Apparently he has to get married .”

  Penny’s mouth hung open. “I didn’t even know he was dating anyone. At least no one serious. Has he ever done serious ?”

  “He’s not. And no, he hasn’t. I don’t think he’s capable of a long-term commitment,” I grumbled in a sour tone while I dug the spoon in to scrape up some of the last drips of the sweet, creamy contents .

  “Except with you .”

  “I don’t count. Our friendship doesn’t count as a relationship commitment. And since he’s not dating anyone and you know, I’m always there for him through thick and thin, and whatever, he thought I’d jump at the chance.” I rolled my eyes .

  “Sorry, I still don’t think I understand .”

  “Apparently it’s a stipulation of his grandfather’s will,” I explained. “And you can’t tell anyone .”

  “And why don’t you want to marry him ?”

  “Penny.”

  “Seriously. You like him. Marrying him seems like a gift from his dead grandfather .”

  I sucked on the cold spoon, letting it soothe my hurt .

  Penny watched me. “You really love him .”

  “I think I do. I think I always have.” I savored the words being out there and felt relief and pure terror at the same time. “For a while in high school I just had a crush, a huge honking can’t-sleep-can’t-eat crush, then I thought it had morphed into the love of a good friend. A really good friend. And now at the sad old newly-minted age of thirty-two, I’ve realized I am quite literally desperately in love with him. And it’s the saddest fucking thing in the world.” My eyes stung again. “And being married to someone who’s simply fond of me while he looks over my shoulder at other women might kill me. It will kill me .”

  Penny wisely stayed quiet .

  “And we’re out of damn ice cream.” I sniffed .

  “Okay, look,” she said. “We have to make sure he doesn’t really have feelings for you before we get him married, otherwise you’ll regret this forever .”

  “Why does everyone keep saying that? He told me — ”

  “What he said, and what’s really going on inside are two different things .”

  “Stop, seriously.” My stomach churned uncomfortably. “You
don’t understand. There’s just no way he’s been friends with me for almost twenty years and not once has there been an inkling.” But then suddenly I remembered the things he said the other night about thinking I was hot when we were teenagers. But that was eons ago .

  “Gwen, in my experience, guys are pretty damned good at compartmentalizing. They’re liable to stick whatever feelings into a box and fight like hell to keep it sealed. Hermetically and airtight. It’s a survival mechanism. I’m sure it’s been honed from eons of hiding weaknesses from predators .”

  “I guess I’m the predator in this scenario ?”

  “Not necessarily, but the greater the danger, the tighter the seal. Think about what opening that box might mean for him. Probably along the lines of how you feel about hiding your feelings. Terrified you’ll lose your friendship .”

  “God, Penny. You’re like the third person today to try and convince me he might have feelings for me when the man himself has made it abundantly clear it’s nothing more than friendship. And the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. The simplest explanation being that Beau is telling me the truth. I’d be a fool to listen to you guys over him. And worse, we don’t have time .”

  “Every girl I know who’s run into Beau doesn’t even bother going for anything more than sex — ”

  I winced .

  “No, Listen. They don’t bother going after him for more than sex because they all know or suspect you have his heart .”

  “But that’s natural, isn’t it? If a guy has a female friend, we always wonder if there’s more there. I’m telling you there isn’t .”

  “And by the way, not that you’ve asked. But rumor is the sex is good .”

  “Penny,” I whined as a Bunsen burner lit under my belly .

  “You have two options to try and prove my point. One, make him jealous. He’s coming to the pool party, right. Derek will be there. He’ll get to see you as someone desirable, and you can totally play it up .”

  “He’s been around Derek before and wasn’t jealous. What’s option two ?”

  “Option two is you make a move on him and see what happens.” Her eyebrows raised .

  All the organs in my upper body seemed to float down through my legs to my feet. I opened my mouth to talk and a squeak emerged. “How ?”

  “The usual way … kiss him maybe? You’ll figure it out .”

  I realized I’d been shaking my head back and forth for the last solid minute .

  She shrugged. “Well the alternative is the love of your life marries someone else .”

  “But a fake marriage of convenience,” I protested .

  “It may start that way, sure. But are you willing to take that gamble and end up losing him anyway? Coz I’d call that pretty damned in convenient .”

  12

  Beau

  W hat in the hell just happened? I stumble out of Gwen’s condo building, Eileen at my heels. By a stroke of luck, the front desk is empty with no one to complain I’ve had a dog in the building without permission .

  As I hit the humid air outside, I inhale deeply and shake my head .

  I left my truck down at the marina, but I don’t want to tackle the long drive back to Awendaw. I need my best friend, dammit. I need Gwen’s opinion, but she’s the one who’s just kicked me out. She’s the one I need to talk about. Which is unfathomable. Maybe I should get more guy friends. I have some, sure. I just don’t spend a whole lot of time with them. Especially after they started getting hitched one by one .

  The next person I think of is my cousin Trystan, and I wonder if it is too late to call him up in New York .

  I lope up South Battery toward the Montgomery home. I always keep a key just in case. Magda and Jeremy who spend half their time out at the plantation house in Awendaw usually keep a room for me here made up .

  Eileen takes a last squat in the bushes and then we make our way up the stairs of the antebellum home. The smell of the blooming jasmine that grows around the wrought iron railing adds a heavy sweetness to the humid night air .

  I unlock the front door and swing it open. Eileen hops inside and I type in the code to the silent alarm and then rearm it. Grandfather had had an alarm at this house as long as I could remember. It made sense given the value of some of the art and 18th -century family silver inside .

  “Beau.”

  I jump about a foot in the air. “Christ,” I say as I spin around to see my grandmother like a ghost in the opening to the library. She’s wearing her long white nightgown, her hair in curlers and carrying a candle. A fucking candle .

  Eileen hops over, panting madly, her tail wagging so fast it’s about to knock her off her three legs. “Shoo, beast. Shoo.” My grandmother flutters her free hand wildly. “Why do you bring this — ”

  “She’s not going to hurt you,” I mutter. “What are you doing up ?”

  Her hand goes to her throat. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came down to read my letters to Savannah. Then I remembered I’d given them to Trystan. I used to do that a lot. It helped me keep my mind off your grandfather’s illness .”

  I frown. “I’d have thought you’d do something that upset you less if you were trying to keep your mind off grandfather .”

  She lifts a bony shoulder. “When you get to my age, you start to wallow in the scope of your life and all the things you regret, didn’t do, meant to do…” she waves her hand down an invisible list, then trails off. “I don’t—I don’t think I created enough happy memories .”

  I walk toward her. “Come on, let’s go make you some of your special tea, then you’ll sleep better .”

  She lets me lead her to the kitchen and takes a seat in her small adjacent sitting room as I turn on the under cabinet lights .

  “You know,” I say. “You don’t need to wander around the house in the dark, it’s just you here, you can put a couple of lights on .”

  “I always worry they’ll be too bright and wake me up too much .”

  I light the gas burner under the tea kettle. “True, but if you set the house on fire with those candles that wouldn’t be the best alternative .”

  She makes a hmmph sound behind me, but then I hear her blow out her candle .

  Smiling to myself, I pull down two mugs, the chamomile tea, honey, and the small bottle of brandy (“for cooking!”) she always tucks into the spice cupboard .

  “Where were you this evening?” she asks .

  I hesitate. “Gwen’s .”

  “I wish you’d stay here more .”

  I don’t know if she means she wishes I’d stay here more because she doesn’t like Gwen, or if she wants me here more because she’s lonely. It’s probably a mix of both. “I’m thirty-one years old and basically still living at home.” I grin at her, not getting drawn into her comment. “We don’t need to make it worse .”

  “I’ve seen how much you’re doing to restore the plantation house. I don’t know what we’d have done with it without you .”

  “Spent money on it, I imagine .”

  “Exactly, so I don’t call that living at home. I call that paying rent .”

  I pause momentarily as I stir the honey and brandy into her tea. “I’m glad you feel that way .”

  Actually, it’s a huge relief she feels that way. I mean I know how much people charge to restore these historic homes—a friend I’ve known since high school now works with the Charleston Historic Foundation. When I started working on the house, repairing rotten wood and restoring some of the original carved stair rails and such, I realized pretty quickly I wasn’t going to be able to have time to get any real work done on the place unless I was on site. Working for Montgomery Homes and Facilities, as well as in Rhys Thomas’ boat shop means my time is pretty thin .

  I hand Grandmother the cup and saucer, noticing Eileen is curled at her feet, chin resting on one of grandmother’s fluffy slipper-clad feet. Then grabbing the mug I made for myself, I join her. Looking at her now, she’s so different from the domineering matriar
ch who’s presided over the family for so many years. Grief and age have done their work. She’s definitely changed since my aunt Savannah died, but I can only see that in retrospect, having been in my teens when we heard. But losing my grandfather has made it all clearer. She does look lonely .

  “Any luck wife hunting?” she asks, a smirk playing around her mouth .

  I sigh. “What on earth were you and grandfather thinking ?”

  “Me? I had nothing to do with it !”

  “Sure.”

  “No, really. Your grandfather did begin to lament that you didn’t seem to be settling down or have any kind of steady girlfriend. I agreed with him, but that’s as far as I went. He thought it had something to do with you being such good friends with Gwendolyn. You had no need of a companion like most do when they are seeking a mate .”

  “A mate. You make it sound like we’re animals .”

  “Well, humans are animals. And we have need of companionship. If you can find your life companion and your romantic partner in one, well, then that’s the prize, isn’t it ?”

  “Like you and grandfather .”

  She inhales deeply. “Your grandfather and I … we had a mutual respect that, yes, grew into romantic love. It didn’t start out that way. I wouldn’t call it an arranged marriage, but you know how Charleston families are about who’s who and bloodlines. Our families were friends. It was always assumed we would join the two. It was the way I’d been brought up—to worry about pedigree and reputation and being connected with the right sort of people .”

  “And now ?”

  “Well now I’m here—a lonely old woman. My daughter died on the other side of the world without me. My son, your father, is unhappily divorced, which I fear is partly my fault. My grandson, other grandson,” she clarifies, talking about Trystan, “hasn’t spoken to me in almost twenty years. I’m tired Beau. And I really just want you all to be happy. I want Trystan to be happy .”

  It occurs to me if I move or even lift my mug to my mouth I might wake up from whatever dream this is .